In these times of self-isolation, it's not good for the traditional family of 2.4 children to be couped up like battery hens.
Everyone is under each other's feet. There's constant fighting over the TV control.
We're surviving on a bowl of porridge a day and even the cat's taken to living in the loft.
I can't live like this any longer.
I'm a nervous wreck.
I need some space.
One way or another I've got to escape.
I've got a plan. Within the month, I'm fleeing to my new pad.
Don't tell anyone - it's a secret.
It's The Ultimate Gambler Man Cave.
I'm not waiting for the four-minute siren. I'm legging it to my posh shed at the bottom of the garden, locking the door, and getting away from the trouble and strife.
Freedom, at last.
But here's a thought, what should I buy to make this the best Gambler Man Cave this side of Las Vegas?
I have a feeling my Gambler Man Cave is going to be a woman-free zone (bar an odd element or two of object d'art). I need a few home comforts to keep me entertained over a month or two. Who knows I might be in this for the long haul if the wife keeps asking to let her in.
One friend said: ''It's not what's in it that makes it a man cave, it's what's not in it - a woman'' (Harsh!!!!!)
3 Secret Keys
Sure, we all like a little peace and quiet, but after twenty minutes of solitude, you will be getting cabin fever. That's why I've given my best three mates their own secret key. ''Come around anytime!'' Don't tell the wife, but one secret key was sent to Pamela Anderson if she fancies a weekend away.
Traditional Pub Bar
Who wants a minibar when you've replicated the real thing from the Winchester Club, from Minder. To give the place a bit of authenticity, Arthur Daley's voice is on a loop asking for a VAT (vodka and tonic) and ''Put it on the slate, Dave.''
Pool Table
This pool table could tell some stories. It was purchased on eBay from a brothel on the outskirts of Las Vegas. No crying if you are blackballed.
Stash Of Porn
It doesn't belong to anyone, but if you look inside the unlocked safe behind a picture of Van Gogh's Sunflowers, there are 20 mags, true vintage Penthouse from the 70s.
Movie Posters
The Man Cave is littered with retro movie posters from Star Wars, Barbarella and strangely The Wicker Man.
Xbox
No Man Cave would be acceptable without the latest Xbox, modified with neon lights, a touch of chrome and joysticks connected to real air horns. The gaming seats are connected to the electric mains and the loser of any game gets a quick zap to the nuts.
Dartboard
Who doesn't like a game of arraz? This isn't any normal board. No. It's the matchplay of ''The Crafty Cockney'' himself, the one and only Eric Bristow. This beauty saw him nail the BDO World Championship in 1986 when he beat Dave Whitcombe 6 - 0 (sets) with an average of 90.45. Who didn't love those early years at the Lakeside Country Club, Frimley Green, Surrey? A bit of Rabbit from Chas & Dave as the Hackney legend swaggered onto stage. Bull's eye.
Poker Table & Posh Chips
When the lads come round it's time to play poker and Texas Hold 'Em. This is no World Series of Poker but I have a couple of rookies who will be going for broke. These fancy poker chips come from the Casino de Monte-Carlo (that's the Monte Carlo Casino to you and me). I pocketed these hot chips after a winning spree a few years back. Sadly, most are $1, $5 & $10. They add to the occasion and bring a touch of class to the rabble.
The Classic Juke Box
What would we do in the confines of the man cave without music? Wasn't it William Shakespeare who said: ''If music be the fruit of love, play on, Give me excess of it; that surfeiting, The appetite may sicken, and so die''. And there's some joker pressing button no 18 [In The End] by Linkin Park. This isn't any old jukebox (well, it is old) but an original 1940s Wurlitzer 1015 vinyl jukebox. Kenny Roger's The Gambler is our No 1 hit when one of the boys is down on his luck.
One-armed bandit
There are times you just need to enjoy the real thing and get your hands on a traditional slot machine. The Governor Indianhead by Jennings. This beautiful machine was made in 1948 and has been converted from using cents to two-pound coins so you have a get a decent prize if you get Tic Tac Toe.
I've got a bar of gold just in case money becomes worthless.
Good luck.
Author Jason Coote
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